Something New

I don't know what to do anymore

2012-01-18T14:59:00.000-08:00

It's been a very long time since I've posted. In that time I've dropped a class, recovered from my back surgery, fractured my elbow, recovered from that, lost contact with my fiance for a month due to him changing bases and internet being closed down, got contact back, been on winter break, registered for 6 classes, worked over winter break, stressed out back, had 2 fights with my fiance. The latest fight was last night, we talked about it today, but then before he went to bed he brought up something else that has caused more stress.

I just.....I don't know anymore. I love him so much, there's not much I wouldn't do for him. If something doesn't go his way, or if he doesn't agree with something, he becomes so angry and mean. I don't deserve it, and he's admitted it. He continues to act this way though. He'll get mean, and apologize for it, get mean, apologize, back and forth. This last time with his apology he also made sure to include points that put me at fault. During the fight he told me I was a leech with a rope around his neck, so he would be extremely vague with me hoping I'd "get the hint" and leave him alone. Looking back, this vagueness started just a couple months after we started dating. We've been together almost 2 years. In his mind, the correct path was to act that way, not sit down with me and discuss things. You want to know what I do that is "leech" like?

Conversation:
Me: Hey :)
Him: Hi
Me: What are you up to?
Him: Nothing, just hanging out.
Me: Oh yeah :) ? With who?
Him: Friends
Me: Oh okay, well sounds fun then.

My "clingyness" is trying to keep conversation! Seriously. All I would try to do is keep conversation, especially with the distance I do my best to keep contact, and he sees it as being a leech and trying to keep a leash on him. Seriously? When he apologized he said "I'd be more open about details if you would just give me more space." REALLY? I don't give you space!? I am ALWAYS saying to him "I know you've got things to do; I understand if you don't get online I know you're busy" And shit like that. And if he goes to sign off and do something else, I just let it happen. While for me, if it's 1:30 in the morning and I want to sleep, I get attitude about it.

This is just one example of how things can sometimes be. I try my hardest to make sure he knows I'm thinking about him, especially if something is happening I let him know I'm considering his side. If I talk about myself though: "You never consider how I'm feeling, why don't you put yourself in my shoes" I just don't know what to do anymore. My brain is telling me that things might not work out, and he might not be ready for this sort of commitment and that's why he's acting this way, but I love him so much. It's been over 6 months since I've seen him, hugged him, kissed him. I hate this distance so much. I'm hoping it's just this distance that's making us act/feel this way. I also think he needs to talk to someone about this anger of his. When ever something bothers him, he immediately goes into a rage and takes it out on those around him, mainly me. He said to me, and I quote "When ever I'm pissed, I like to make sure everyone around me knows it."

I hope this is something that can be worked out. I don't want to lose him. I love him, unconditionally and with my entire being. Does he love me just as much though?

Recovering

2011-09-23T06:40:00.000-07:00

I got my surgery on Monday for my back. While I was terrified, I am very relieved I got it done. I remember lying on the bed, with everyone telling me to take deep breaths from the mask, then the next thing I knew I was waking in recovery. I was nauseous and sore, but it was done. I stayed overnight so they could make sure I started to recover and nothing went wrong. I was up and walking just hours after the surgery. It's now Friday, and I'm feeling SO much better :)

I'm still a bit sore, but the pain I used to have is now gone. The soreness is only from the incision itself. I'm going back to school in a couple days. I haven't written since before my surgery because up until yesterday, I was sleeping nearly all the time. I would go to sleep for the night and sleep 12 hours, then after being awake for 2-3 hours, I'd be tired again and start to pass out. I'm doing better now though.

I have only two worries now regarding my body. 1) How horrible the scar will look 2) While recovering I still can't do any sort of exercise and I'm not supposed to be on my feet so I can rest, so I'm gaining weight from lack of moving. If the scar really does form all gross-like, I'm going to get a tattoo of a rose to cover it, and the scar will be the stem. I'm going to try to seriously cut down on the junk I eat, and try to do some form of ab exercise that doesn't require moving my back in any sort of extreme way. Once I find that magical exercise.

I just can't wait to be fully recovered and be able to do normal day-to-day things without pain. I honestly cannot remember what it feels like to sleep without pain. It'll be nice to have nights like those again.

Surgery

2011-09-18T16:31:00.000-07:00

I'm getting surgery tomorrow afternoon. I'm terrified. Everyone is telling me I'll be okay, but I'm still scared. My sister is more worried I won't be able to be in her wedding than if I'll be okay. I told her today I was getting it done tomorrow (instead of the originally planned week from now) and she asked "Why so soon?" "I just want to get it done with so I'm better" "Oh for the wedding." "....No, for myself. So I won't be in pain anymore." "Oh right"

So apparently my sister is more concerned with her wedding going correctly than she is with my welfare. Whatever.

I can't stop thinking about tomorrow. I'm afraid of the needles and knives to come.

Great and not so great news

2011-09-12T13:45:00.000-07:00

So the fiance and I talked it out, and things are better with us :) I'm so happy. He apologized as well (which I think I mentioned in my last post). So, yay!! I miss him so much. I can't wait to have him in my arms again. I miss just burying myself in his chest, breathing him in. That may sound....odd to some of you, but considering 1) how much I love him 2) how much I miss him 3) how far apart we are 4) how long until I see him again; I really don't care if you guys think it's strange of me to say :)

Now, some not so great news. I met with a neurosurgeon about my back today. I have 2 herniated disks, one so badly herniated that it's almost completely flattened the nerve sac in my spine. See in the spine there is a big tube like sac going from head to tailbone. It's supposed to be about a centimeter in diameter. For me, my oh so lucky self, not only has one that is naturally narrower than it is supposed to be, is now pressed so tightly it's millimeters wide. Only a few millimeters. It could pop with one wrong move, which would require me to need EMERGENCY surgery. Like I'd have to immediately call an ambulance if I suddenly find myself weak in the legs or unable to walk. I have been told I can't lift more than 10lbs, I can't twist my body, and I can't bend. (I was also told no sex, but seeing as how my finace is over seas that's not happening anyway :p)

I have also been told I should do water therapy, where I go into a pool until it's up to my armpits, and just slowly walk through the water. Pushing myself through the water will strengthen my core and could possibly give me the pressure needed to get my disc(s) back into place. There is also the use of an inversion table. I put my ankles into this restraints, and tilt the table back, till I'm dangling at an angle. I stay there about 2-3 minutes. Gravity will stretch out my back, which could also be very helpful for me. I was told I could see a chiropractor but NOT for any sort of back manipulation. I can get massages, ultrasonic stimulation, etc, but NO manipulation. My discs are already herniated so badly, one wrong push and I'll be seriously damaged. The doctors are all very worried because my back is so horribly injured and I'm so young. Injections won't work because of the way it's damaged. They are trying to avoid surgery as well, but honestly it looks like I may need it. I'm afraid though. What if, even with surgery, I'll always have something wrong? What will that mean for my future? I planned on being able to support myself, and not have to rely on others. How did this happen? I don't understand. I mean sure I don't have the most amazing posture, but it shouldn't be affecting me this badly, right?

A small step forward

2011-09-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

So we talked a little bit earlier. I sent him a message telling him I still loved him even though things like this happen. I know I said I wasn't going to talk to him, but I just wanted to be sure he knew. The conversation didn't last long, and he was still kind of dick-ish, but it's still a step forward from where we were. The conversation died quickly, and he pointed it out, I said I didn't know what to say, since it felt awkward from the past few days. He said it was a waste of time then and went back to sleep. He literally just signed back in just now. Still seems kind of annoyed, so I don't know what is going to happen this time.....

So we talked. He apologized and we're putting things behind us. Things are alright again :)

Strong

2011-09-09T13:31:00.000-07:00

So now, while still kind of sad, I'm annoyed than anything. He's like a child throwing a tantrum over something that didn't go his way. It's bullshit. I've done so much for him, and now a rare time when I won't, and he's angry. I was depressed when he cut himself off from me, but to drag it out this long. Bull. Shit.

I need to be strong. I need to stand my ground against this. Fine, throw your tantrum, be a brat. I'll be here when you're done stomping your feet. You won't hear from me till you're done being like this.

Still

2011-09-09T09:16:00.000-07:00

My fiance still isn't speaking to me. I haven't tried since yesterday, I'm afraid to. I'm not a zombie anymore like I was yesterday, now I'm just...sad. I see him online, on every source we usually contact each other with, and I know I can't try, shouldn't try. I can't believe it's going this far, over one thing I didn't want to do. I feel like there's something else he's not telling me, something causing him to be upset and using what happened as an excuse to let that anger out. I just don't understand. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him. Every time I don't wish him luck on a mission, and tell him I love him, I terrified it could be my last time talking to him. I hate not saying it.

My doctor just called. See, I have 2 herniated discs in my back, and I was recommended to go see a specialist. My mom wants me to see a chiropractor. I'd rather meet with the doctor to discuss options and hopefully avoid surgery. She refuses to take me to the doctor because she doesn't agree with me. She thinks I'm overreacting. When I heard her voice over the phone tell me she wouldn't bring me, I lost it. I hung up, fell to the floor, and cried. I'm in so much pain, all the time, and now the man I love refuses to speak to me because I said I didn't want to do something that one time. That was three days ago. Three days he won't speak to me. That's all we have. All we have, and he refuses.

Anger and Apathy

2011-09-08T13:16:00.000-07:00

So the other day my fiance got angry at me because of something I wouldn't do. I won't go into detail with what happened, but the main thing is he became angry. Very angry. More angry than I thought he would over something like that. It has now switched to being apathetic towards me. He says it's a plus. I'm not so sure. Apathy is indifference towards something, lack of emotion or interest towards something you used to find interesting and feel for. So he just doesn't care about me? Doesn't feel anything for me anymore? Over something so little as what it was? We've had fights and arguments before, but this time I didn't even argue back. He just became angry with me because I wouldn't do something I usually do. It's not like I said I would never do it again, just wasn't going to at that time. I swear to you, his mood flipped 180 degrees in a matter of seconds. He was excited to be talking to me then he became unapproachable. I tried talking to him earlier, and he warned me I should spend my time doing something else instead of getting him to push me away. I'm pretty sure this level of apathy towards me hurts more than most other things that have happened. Not saying it's the most painful, but it's up there on my list.

What's really getting me is when I get really upset like I am about this, I would turn to him. I do have friends don't get me wrong, but I would always prefer to turn to him. Now that I can't, I feel so extremely alone. I feel like I've been kicked into a corner and if I so much as shift out of it an inch, I'll "get in trouble" and everything will become so much worse for me.

When I get this emotional and upset, my mind uses it's own defense system. I shut myself off, my mind and feelings, from everyone. I become an emotionless person, I walk and talk like I'm in autopilot. I become even more antisocial and cut myself off from everyone. I put up walls that only come down if I feel like everything is alright again. I can be cheered up slightly when I'm like this, but it never lasts. It won't last until the wall comes down.When I get like this, I lose my appetite, I want to stay in bed and just lie there, all day long. I become a vegetable. I don't want to be a vegetable. I want to feel like my fiance actually cares about me again.

I care for him so deeply, more than I've ever cared for anyone or anything else. Right now, it feels like he wouldn't even care if something bad happened to me. I see him talking to all these people he doesn't usually talk to so often, two of them are people he knows I dislike and do not trust talking to him. I feel like he's giving them all attention to spite me, as if to say "look at the attention they get that you don't."

I know it sounds....desperate. Pathetic. Bluntly, it makes me sound like an attention whore. That's not what it is though. I know he has others to talk to, and I'm not the only one in his world. He has said things to me like I'm the one he cares about talking to, and has several times avoided others to talk to just me. When all we have is talking online, and he makes it obvious he's them more attention than usual and less to me, it's a slap-in-the-face move to do. He knows it is.

Enough of my whining, I just needed to put it into words. I needed to say it somehow, how I'm feeling.

Starting New

2011-09-07T17:24:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to start a blog. I've been wanting to for awhile, but never how to start or what to write about. Until I come up with something actually interesting, it'll just be like an online journal I suppose. A journal on my mundane life. I'm a junior in college, still not completely sure of what I want to do with my life. I'm not even sure if I'm in the right major. I'm majoring in Photography, but I don't exactly have the passion for it like others do. I've been told I have great talent with photography, but I'm not very confident I'll get anywhere with it, except for maybe weddings now and then or maybe friends that want a deal on senior portraits. Who knows.

I consider myself very boring. I'm content with my lifestyle, but I'm sure most others might think it dull. I am not one for partying and getting drunk, not even really one for going out much. I'm perfectly comfortable staying in my room and just internet surf or play video games. I love video games immensely, I have PS3 Xbox360 and Wii, along with a few older systems and handheld systems.

Another little fact about me: I'm engaged to an infantryman who is now overseas. I miss him more than I can describe, and he means more than the world to me. I love him more than anything else. He is due home on mid-tour leave soon, and will be due home next summer.

I'm starting this as a way to start new. More often than not, I'm not happy with myself. I feel too dull, too antisocial as well. Some times I'm comfortable that way, but others I feel confused as to how I even have friends. This could probably be seen as going in the other direction, starting a blog online and be at my computer more often to update it, but honestly it is a step forward. Even if it is only on the internet, I'm putting myself out there. I mean there is facebook and things like that, but I always keep that private because of creepers and I don't want them to see my personal information. This is more public though. I won't be including any personal info. Well, when I say personal I mean any info that would make it possible to find me. As I mentioned earlier, this is going to be like a sort of journal for me. Something else about me that you've probably noticed by now, I tend to ramble. Writing about what's going on helps me relieve stress. Even if no one reads this, and I doubt anyone will anyway, it'll me on some level. Here's starting something new.